My boyfriend and I had a very good talk last night about everything. And I’ve learned I need to stop bringing up my past and judging him for others mistakes. Holding back because of what people did to me. He’s not them. He’s none of my exs. He’s my boyfriend and I have to trust that he will always be there for me. Yes, both of us will get hurt from time to time but we still wanna be with each other by the end of the day. Just because my last ex left me damaged beyond belief, why should I hold back from someone so amazing like him? Why should I close myself to someone who just wants to fix me and keep me happy? I shouldn’t. And I’m not going to anymore. The past will stay back there and I will only deal with the present and future. He’s not like all the rest. He’s everything I’d want in a guy and more and the way we fit together I couldn’t even begin to explain. So it all ends now. All the hurt and the pain and the heart ache. If I get my heart broken, well honestly I’ve been through it before and I’ll get over it. But right now, I’m going to fall. And I’m 100% sure, at this moment. He’s gunna catch me.

I cannot describe how much fun i had last night <3

At 1st i really didn’t want to go because i was going alone and i was supposed to meet up with Ricki and his friends but after i got there and met up with him and everyone i had the time of my life. I was completely sober and dancing my heart out and i’ve never felt so free with anyone in my life. RIcki makes me feel these feelings i’ve never felt in my life. And i didn’t have to worry about getting guys or anything because he was right there if i wanted him. And even if people danced with him or anything he always came back to me. He’s soo freaking adorable and i can’t stand it. AND his friends! Oh my god, his friends are hilarious!!!! I was laughing the whole night because they’re so funny. And after the club when i thought i was going home i said bye to Ricki and we ended up getting food and hanging out more and when i was gunna say goodbye again they even let me and Ricki have more time to ourselves and dropped theyre one friend off home 1st. And after that it was really goodbye which i hate with him but oh my god guys, i’m so freaking happy, i had a dream i was crying because i was so happy. Haha i ended up getting home at 6 in the morning which i never do haha but it was totally worth it. 

And the best part of last night was when we were in the car, I just got finished telling RIcki that it feels like with him, we’ve been together for years and he agreed and smiled at me and said “I’m gunna love you, i just know it.” And i was speechless. That was probably the most sweetest, cutest, amazingggggggg things for ANYBODY to say to me. And i told him the same thing back because i knew i was going to love him too one day.

Oh. My. God. He’s amazing <3 ANd it’s funny he’s calling right now ;D haha bye guys　 

New Cable.

That’s what i walked into when i came home from work.
Now i’m not too happy with it because my dad randomly decided to switch to version which i didn’t even know they had cable but yeah. It kind of sucks because they have different channels and i’ve known Time Warners channels for all of my life. BUT, there are some good things about it. We have HBO again =))) And all those movie channels. Still  have DVR, not as good as time warner but still do. THey fixed my tv now so i only need one remote now, and it actually works when i press the volume button. And yeah. New cable. I guess i just have to live with it i guess. Blahhhh 

Oh my god <3 <3 <3

Can i just say i’ve NEVER EVERRRR been THISS happy to be around someone before. Like i thought i knew what happy was before but this is pure perfection. I can’t even believe it.

So the other night i went out clubbing like i usually do just because it’s the only excitement i get out of my week and it’s an excuse to get drunk every week. But anyways i went clubbing and it was just another usual night but then i get this text from this guy asking “Am i at the club” and all that. And i remember him being somewhat cute but i was still a little tipsy from my drunk so i had him send me a picture of him. And he did and i was right, really cute. So we met up and we said hi and told eachother that we’ll meet the other upstairs. So we went upstairs and i danced with Nick as usual haha and all that. So about 20 minutes late i text him saying where was he, and i ended up finding him and i pulled him in and we started dancing. Now, this wasn’t just a regualr “Find a guy at the club, dance” kind of dance. I’ve had this moment before. With another perfect guy from the city, Kyle. Kyle was perfect and still is but he goes to NYU and i was moving back home to schenectafuck so there was no way of us ever being together a pursing a relationship. But when me and Kyle danced, there was this passion between us where we instantly clicked and it felt like anything around us didn’t matter. Well this feeling with this guy too. From that moment i pulled him in to dance, a spark went off and i knew he was different. And he would do the cutest things while we were dancing, like he picked me up and everything and it was the cutest. I couldn’t get enough of him. And when we kissed…it was just….i don’t know pure bliss. Everything else didn’t matter but us and i couldn’t stop kissing him. Which was another cute thing he did, whenever i had to go he’d keep kissing me to stay haha. But anyways. After that night we’ve been talking and all that. Not a lot a lot, so i haven’t really gotten my hopes up or anything like that.

Now, i know, i haven’t said his name. Well his name Ricki. And after tonight, showed me that we really really might work this out. Now Ricki is pretty much perfect too. 1st of all he’s a dancer. Has a job as a dancer, good head on his shoulders. I love dancers and always wanted to be with one, well i’ve always wanted to spend my life with someone that could dance by my side =). 2nd he’s really cute, 3rd he does the cutest things i can’t even =) 4th, he has a great body. 5th We kind of have the same liking towards A LOT of things. Almost i guess, the same personality, which i think i need just because a lot of my other relationships didnt work out just because me and the other would be so different. 6th he has a great sense of humor….i’m just gunna stop the list here because honestly it could go on and on haha. He’s too perfect though. But i met up with him today and we just sat and talked and laughed and kissed and held hands, as if we were already together. And it was like he could read minds too because as i was driving my right hand was free and as i thought to go grab his, he grabbed mine and i swear that moment was too perfect. I can’t stop smiling about it. Tonight was perfect and i’ve never been this happy. I’m definitely going to try to keep this one.

Now there is always a catch to finding perfect people like these. And there kind of is but it’s manageable. He lives about 45 minutes away. I don’t really care though. He’s too perfect to let distance get in the way and soon, i’ll have my own car and i could see him all the time if i need to. And he comes down a lot to albany, i know we could make it work. And the best part of all of this is when he was holding me as i sat on top of his lap he just said “I just love holding you. I just want to hold you forever….i want you.” As he said those 3 words i was done. Hahahahah i knew that this was going to finally be there thing and person i’ve been waiting for allllll this time. This guy. RIcki. Ohhhhh, i couldn’t be happier. I really couldn’t. =)))))

Last night i dreamt about you. 
I don’t know if that’s a sign for something or not but i don’t know.
I guess it was nice seeing us actually happy and enjoying each other’s company but then when i woke up i realized that will never happen again…and that kind of made me upset. 
=/　 

I always say to people “I kind of want the world to end so i don’t have to worry about college or anything like that”. And everyone honestly thinks i’m kidding or joking. I guess it’s because if the world does end, i won’t have to do it myself…

And i’m not saying i’m going to commit suicide, but it would be a lie if i said i never thought about it.

This morning i had the most horrible chest pains and didn’t feel at all great. I stayed home from work and basically just slept all day. And i had a dream, and i was in a hospital bed and only 2 people came to see me. And when i woke up i realized that would probably happen in real life. Just because of the fact that everyone has kind of moved on with their lives and left me. And i’m happy for everyone, and i’m not mad at them, it’s just so lonely lately. Even when i’m around a lot of people i just feel so utterly and completely alone. And there’s nothing no one can really do to help me. Maybe that’s another reason why i haven’t really been eating. I don’t realize it but i think i starve myself sometimes. I don’t know. Maybe i do maybe i don’t. 

I try to hide all of this and i think i do a pretty good job showing everyone that i’ve been doing great, but i’m really not. I think i’m really fucked up but i don’t know how to fix it. I just scare myself because suicide has passed through my mind so many times but i’ve always been the person to be against that and i’m always there to help people. But this time i don’t think i can help myself. And that’s why if the world did end, then i could just wait until it’s all over and won’t have to do it myself. My life has been falling apart by the seams and i’ve been trying to hold on to them and catch all the falling pieces but it’s like they’re slipping out of my hands. 

Lastly i don’t want any messages. I know people barely read these post but if you do just keep moving along. I don’t want messages about how much you love me or anything because no offense i’ve heard it all before and i don’t really think it helps either. Just for the fact that i feel like no one can help.

So after 20 minutes i’m fine now and i’m back to paying 200 bucks with a couple of catches but i’m okay with it. Hahahaha, this is the part where i get to say, I love being an only child <3.